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The Wolf
WASHINGTON—Citing “troubling” statistics revealing that the vast majority of Americans are not receiving all rock all the time, U.S. Disc Jockey General Rich “The Wolf” Haskel urged citizens nationwide Tuesday to get the Led out.

The 43-year-old baritone government official, whose press conference was punctuated at several points by enthusiastic listener call-ins, stressed the importance of listening to Led Zeppelin every Power Play Weekday, and called on all Americans to crank up the classic rock at work, at home, or in the car.

Read the full story at The Onion
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